Wake Up Inside Me
by David Friedman
Last year, back in Secaucus, I had no idea what I was getting
myself into. At age 33, it was my first experience with the stuttering
community. I felt so out of place even though I stuttered all
my life. The Friends conference in 2003 put me in a state of shock.
The Friends conference was more of a spiritual and psychological
experience for me this time around. Even though I have spent the
past year getting involved in the stuttering world, I must admit
to still being nervous before the convention this year. So much
so, that I was not very sociable during my first event, the baseball
game on Thursday evening. On Friday morning, however, there was
such a relaxed and positive atmosphere, I was drawn in.
I found myself wanting to be in many places at once. I would
have loved to work with the little ones, but then I would have
missed the inspiring keynote address and the incredible parent-child
forum. I would have loved to have been at the Fishbowl workshop,
but the drums were beating and I found myself walking towards
the crowd expressing themselves through sound and dance. I would
have loved to have gone to the parents workshops, because I wanted
to hear about their feelings regarding raising a child who stutters.
I wanted to tell them that by just attending the conference, they
are helping their child tremendously.
I wanted to help out more, but I just found myself drifting around,
not consciously controlling where I was going, kind of letting
the day carry me: such a free feeling, floating around soaking
in all the energy with all the people who live and breathe the
same experience I have lived and breathed for my whole life. Among
all of these wonderful workshops, the one that probably had the
most profound impact on me was Barry Yeoman s keynote speech.
Were those tears rolling down my cheeks? Listening to his speech
I was thinking how I wished I had an organization like Friends
when I was younger. I feel Friends would have made a huge impact
on me as a child.
It is never too late though as I now feel blessed to have found
a place that understands. I loved when Barry spoke about his inner
voice: "Come out, come out wherever you are." I wish
that I would have been aware enough to hear and act upon those
words when I was growing up. Although I did not know it at the
time, I was pretending that my stuttering was not bothering me
or holding me back.
"Come out come out whenever you are" really hit me
hard. Those words make me realize that I had been sleepwalking
through parts my life, hiding from my true self. I had been hiding
my stuttering -which is not hard to do since I have become more
fluent. I was hiding from challenges and felt content being in
a safe environment. This, too, is easy to do thanks to modern
diversions like the television.
"Come out come out wherever you are" reminded me of
a different inner voice that I had been hearing over the past
year: "Wake me up inside." These words come from a song
called "Bring Me to Life" by Evanescence and are repeated
many times throughout the song. "Wake me up inside" has
reverberated within me, wrenching my gut every time I hear it.
I was not sure why it was having such an effect on me. What was
it telling me?
Hearing Barry talk about his voice, really made things clear
for me. This stuttering thing has had more of an effect on my
life than I ever imagined and still does.
I now try to view my stutter as a friend that "comes out
of hiding" every once in a while. This attitude has many
benefits. Thinking of my stuttering as an old buddy keeps those
negative feelings away. I also feel like I am a better person,
taking more control of my destiny. I do not know where this new "self-awareness" will
lead me. Last year after the convention, I did - not know whether
I would get involved with the stuttering world. Well as some New
Yorkers can attest, I dove in headfirst. I hope I keep on swimming.
Something else Barry said struck me. "It is okay to feel
like an outsider." If I heard that as a teenager, I would
have blown it off. He is so right though! I always tried to fit
in and wanted to be liked. I was content with just "getting
by." I never spoke in class for fear of ridicule, never "made
waves" in class or at home because I did not want to draw
attention to my stuttering. A little part of me always felt "different" and
I did not like it.
I have learned that it is the difference in all of us that makes
life so interesting. "Being an outsider" means being
myself. Stuttering is a part of me and should be shared with others.
Ironically, I did feel like "an outsider" at the convention,
not because I felt unwelcome, but because I am still in awe of
the incredible people that I have met and the power that a Friends
Convention can have on my life and that of everyone else.
This article is from Reaching Out, February,
2005
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